Hi there,
What’s the Story?
Hope you’re having a super summer and the perfect weather! Things on my end are fun. I’ve been diving deep into research on cognitive biases and neurological structures involved in self-deception, and it’s fascinating. The more I study how our minds work, the more I realize how little we see clearly.
We all live in carefully constructed stories about reality, stories that make us feel right, safe, and justified. But what if those stories are also the very things keeping us stuck?
This week, we’re diving into the uncomfortable truth about self-deception. Because the first step to seeing clearly is admitting how blind we actually are.
Don’t forget to watch my latest video on YouTube – you can check out this week’s short video here.
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The Lies We Tell Ourselves: Why Smart People Believe Whatever They Want (And How to Stop)
Estimated reading time: 6 minutes 13 seconds
Let me start with an uncomfortable truth: you’re lying to yourself right now.
We all engage in self-deception. It’s not a character flaw per se; it’s human nature. But it’s also one of the biggest obstacles to growth, success, and genuine connection with others.
The question isn’t whether you deceive yourself. The questions are:
- How do we do it?
- When do you do it?
- What are the consequences? and,
- What are you going to do about it?
How We Do It
Your brain has one primary job: to keep you alive. And for thousands of years, being wrong meant being dead.
If you’re a hunter-gatherer and you think you can take on a lion, that thought might be your last. So our brains evolved to reward us for being right, or more accurately, for feeling right.
Here’s the problem: your brain rewards you when you feel right, not when you are right.
This created what psychologists call “motivated reasoning”, our extraordinary ability to convince ourselves of whatever we want to believe.
You think you think logically. You believe you consider all the evidence, then make rational decisions. But here’s what actually happens: you get a feeling about what you want to believe, then your brain goes to work like a lawyer, gathering evidence to prove you’re right and dismissing evidence that contradicts you. This is counterintuitive, but there are stacks of evidence from the fields of psychology, neuroscience, and even behavioral economics that back this theory up.
Because you want to feel right, your brain uses effective techniques like confirmation bias to look for the evidence that proves you’re right and works to attack any evidence that might contradict you.
The Five Ways in Which We Deceive Ourselves
1. Identity Protection: We want to be a certain type of person. Conservative. Liberal. Successful. Victim. Hero.
These labels come with pre-packaged beliefs. Once you identify as “that kind of person,” you feel pressure to believe what that kind of person believes. It’s easier to adopt the entire worldview than to think through each issue individually.
2. Worldview Maintenance: We create coherent narratives about how the world works, then resist any information that challenges those narratives.
If you believe the government is conspiring against you, you’ll see conspiracy in everything. If you believe people are good, you’ll explain away evidence to the contrary. We don’t like complexity. We prefer simple stories with clear heroes and villains.
3. Selective Attention: We only pay attention to information that confirms what we already believe.
If you lean left politically, you probably consume mostly left-leaning news. If you lean right, you consume mostly right-leaning content. You might occasionally check out the “other side,” but notice how much time you spend there versus in your comfort zone.
4. Social Validation: We surround ourselves with people who agree with us, then use their agreement as proof that we’re right.
Social media makes this worse. We post our opinions and get likes from people who share those opinions. The algorithm feeds us more content that confirms our biases. We mistake popularity in our echo chamber for truth.
5. Cognitive Dissonance Resolution: When our beliefs conflict with our actions (or with reality), our brains work to eliminate the discomfort. Usually, this means changing our interpretation of reality rather than changing our beliefs.
If you believe you’re a good partner but you’re acting like a terrible one, it’s easier to rationalize your behavior than to admit you’re not who you think you are.
How This Shows Up in Everyday Life
Self-deception isn’t just about politics or world events. It shows up everywhere:
In relationships: “The reason our relationship isn’t working is because they don’t understand me” (instead of examining your behavior).
In careers: “I’m not getting promoted because my boss doesn’t like me” (instead of honestly assessing your performance).
In health: “I’m not losing weight because I have a slow metabolism” (instead of tracking what you eat).
In personal growth: “I would be successful if I just had more opportunities” (instead of taking responsibility for creating opportunities).
We tell ourselves stories that make us feel better in the moment but keep us stuck in the long term. This comes at a cost.
The Cost of Self-Deception
When you live in stories that deceive you instead of being curious enough to figure out what’s going on, several things happen:
- You stop learning. Why seek new information when you already “know” the truth?
- You become predictable. Your responses are determined by your narrative, not by the actual situation.
- You lose relationships. People can sense when you’re more interested in being right than in understanding them.
- You limit your potential. You can’t solve problems you won’t acknowledge.
- You become fragile. When reality eventually contradicts your story, you have no tools to cope.
How to Start Seeing Clearly
Breaking free from self-deception isn’t about becoming perfectly objective; that’s impossible. It’s about becoming aware of your biases and developing better thinking habits.
1. Be Skeptical of One-Sided Stories: Whenever you encounter information that perfectly confirms what you already believe, be suspicious.
Truth is usually more nuanced than either side wants to admit. Look for multiple perspectives. Ask yourself: “What would someone who disagrees with me say about this?”
2. Distinguish Facts from Opinions: Most of what we consume is opinion masquerading as fact. Learn to spot the difference.
Facts are things both sides agree on. Opinions are interpretations of those facts. The more emotional language someone uses, the more likely they are to sell you an opinion.
3. Be Skeptical of Hyperbole: Strong emotional language is designed to bypass your critical thinking. When someone uses words like “always,” “never,” “all,” or “completely,” they’re probably exaggerating. The truth is usually less dramatic than either side claims.
4. Build an Identity Around Intellectual Humility: Instead of seeing yourself as someone who has the right answers, see yourself as someone who asks good questions.
Identity shift: from “I’m right” to “I’m learning.”
5. Diversify Your Information Diet: Actively seek out perspectives that challenge your beliefs. Not to adopt them necessarily, but to understand them.
You don’t have to agree with everyone, but you should be able to explain their position in a way they’d recognize.
6. Practice Steel-Manning: Instead of attacking the weakest version of opposing arguments (straw-manning), try to understand and articulate the strongest version (steel-manning).
This forces you to really understand what you’re disagreeing with.
The Socratic Solution
Socrates was famous for asking questions that revealed how little people actually knew. His approach was simple: keep asking “What do you mean?” and “How do you know?” until you reach the limits of your understanding.
Try this with your own beliefs:
- Why do I believe this?
- What evidence would change my mind?
- What am I assuming that might not be true?
- What would someone who disagrees with me say?
- What if I’m wrong about this?
The Paradox of Certainty
Here’s the thing about certainty: the more certain you feel, the more likely you are to be deceiving yourself.
Genuine knowledge comes with humility. The more you learn, the more you realize how much you don’t know.
People who are absolutely convinced they’re right about complex issues are usually the least informed, not the most.
You’re not seeking perfect objectivity; that’s impossible. You’re seeking better calibration between your beliefs and reality.
The goal isn’t to eliminate self-deception. It’s to become aware of it, minimize it where possible, and hold your beliefs more lightly.
The moment you become convinced you’re not deceiving yourself is the moment you’re most deceived of all.
Stay curious. Stay humble. And be wrong more.
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The Brain Prompt
Think of one strong opinion you hold about politics, relationships, work, or life in general.
Now ask yourself:
- What evidence do I have for this belief?
- What evidence might contradict it that I’m choosing to ignore?
- What would someone who completely disagrees with me say?
- Can I explain their position in a way they would recognize?
- What would it mean for my identity if I were wrong about this?
The goal isn’t to change your mind necessarily, it’s to hold your beliefs more consciously and less defensively.
For more fascinating content on storytelling, influence, and psychology, subscribe to Inner Propaganda.
Cheers,
Owen.
P.S. Don’t forget to check out my YouTube page every Monday for a new video. You can subscribe here.
