Hi there,
What’s the Story?
Hope you’re ready to dive into the darker side of human nature, including your own! Things on my end are intense. I’m getting to the finishing line with the book (Inner Propaganda is going to be epic, I can’t wait for you to read it). It’s got me thinking a lot about the shadows we all carry.
We spend so much time trying to be our best selves that we rarely examine our worst impulses. But those “shadow” qualities aren’t just inconveniences to overcome. They’re evolutionary features that served important purposes. Understanding them is the key to dealing with them.
I was in a situation recently where someone was being incredibly stingy about something trivial, and my first impulse was judgment and frustration. But then I caught myself and thought: What fear is driving this behavior? Once I understood that their stinginess came from deep scarcity anxiety, everything changed. I could respond with compassion instead of contempt.
So this week, we’re exploring eight shadows of human nature, not to judge them, but to understand them. Because the moment you understand why people act the way they do, you gain the power to respond instead of react.
__________________
The Eight Shadows: Understanding the Dark Side of Human Nature (So You Can Deal With It Better)
Estimated reading time: 7 minutes 21 seconds
You have a dark side.
We all do.
Stinginess, jealousy, envy, bitterness, condescension, greediness, selfishness, betrayal, these aren’t character flaws that only “bad people” have. They’re part of the human condition.
The difference between people who handle these shadows well and those who don’t isn’t that some people are inherently ‘better’. It’s that some people understand where these impulses come from and have developed strategies to deal with them.
Today, we’re going into the shadows, not to judge them, but to understand them. Because understanding is the first step to freedom.
Why We Have Shadows
Every “negative” quality we possess served an evolutionary purpose. They’re not bugs in human programming; they’re features that helped our ancestors survive.
The problem is that these ancient survival mechanisms often misfire in modern contexts. What kept you alive 50,000 years ago might destroy your relationships today.
But when you understand the evolutionary logic behind these behaviors, something magical happens: you stop taking them personally and start responding strategically.
Let’s go through each shadow one by one.
Shadow #1: Stinginess
Stinginess is a reluctance to share resources, material, emotional, or intellectual.
Why does it exist? In ancestral environments, hoarding resources could mean the difference between life and death. When food was scarce, generosity was literally life-threatening.
How does it show up? The person who counts pennies at dinner. Who never shares tools, knowledge, or opportunities. Who acts like everything is finite and must be protected.
How do we handle it?
- Express gratitude when the person does share (reinforce their good behavior)
- Set clear boundaries about fairness to avoid being taken advantage of
- Model generosity from abundance, not insecurity (give to help, not because you feel you should)
- Address calmly without accusation: “I’d love to share more with you. How would that work?”
Remember: Stinginess usually comes from fear of scarcity. The more you shame it, the more they’ll defend it.
Shadow #2: Jealousy
Jealousy is a fear of losing something or someone to another person.
Why does it exist? Jealousy made our ancestors more vigilant about protecting relationships and resources. If your partner left you, you might not survive.
How does it show up? As insecurity in relationships. Fear when partners talk to others. Anxiety about friends making new friends. Comparing your relationship to others.
How do we handle it?
- Acknowledge their feelings without reinforcing the paranoia
- Reassure them of their value in the relationship
- Avoid comparisons (even favorable ones, they backfire)
- Encourage open communication about what they’re feeling
- Set firm boundaries if jealousy becomes controlling
Remember: Jealousy is fear, not logic. Their feelings override what they know to be true.
Shadow #3: Envy
Envy is wanting what someone else has: possessions, status, relationships, opportunities.
Why does it exist? Envy motivated our ancestors to acquire resources and improve their status, which increased survival chances.
How does it show up? Constant comparison to others. Resentment when others succeed. Social media making them miserable. Never satisfied with their own achievements.
How do we handle it?
- Avoid flaunting achievements or possessions around envious people
- Validate their feelings without agreeing with their negative self-perceptions
- Focus on their strengths and what they’re doing well
- Redirect toward mutual growth and opportunities
- Maintain boundaries if their negativity becomes toxic
Remember: Social media has weaponized envy by showing us everyone else’s highlight reel 24/7.
Shadow #4: Bitterness
Bitterness is lingering resentment from past experiences that haven’t been processed or resolved.
Why does it exist? Remembering negative events helped our ancestors avoid similar threats in the future.
How does it show up? Bringing up past hurts repeatedly. Unable to let go of grievances. Poisoning present moments with old pain. The emotional equivalent of chewing on broken glass.
How do we handle it?
- Acknowledge their pain without enabling the rumination
- Encourage constructive action to address unresolved grievances
- Avoid reinforcing the bitterness through endless rehashing
- Set boundaries to protect your own emotional well-being
- Sometimes, overwhelm with kindness to break the cycle
Remember: Bitterness is like carrying a hot coal, hoping to throw it at someone else; you’re the one getting burned.
Shadow #5: Condescension
Condescension is acting superior or belittling others to assert dominance.
Why does it exist? Establishing dominance ensured access to resources and mates in ancestral environments.
How does it show up? “You probably don’t know this, but…” Explaining things you already understand. Talking down to you. Making you feel small to make themselves feel big.
How do we handle it?
- Stay calm and composed, don’t react defensively
- Politely assert boundaries: “Actually, I’m quite familiar with that.”
- Ask clarifying questions to highlight the condescension
- Shift toward collaboration instead of competition
- Use humor to neutralize the behavior
Remember: People who need to put you down are usually looking up at you. Condescension is insecurity in disguise.
Shadow #6: Greediness
Greediness is excessive desire for resources, often at others’ expense.
Why does it exist? Accumulating resources increased survival odds and reproductive success in harsh environments.
How does it show up? Always wanting more. Taking more than their fair share. Hoarding opportunities. “Mine, mine, mine” mentality.
How do we handle it?
- Address the scarcity concerns underlying the greed
- Appeal to fairness and group well-being
- Negotiate compromises that satisfy both parties
- Set limits to prevent exploitation
- Emphasize collaboration over hoarding
Remember: Greed often stems from the same fear as stinginess, the belief that there isn’t enough to go around.
Shadow #7: Selfishness
Selfishness is prioritizing your own needs without regard for others.
Why does it exist? Self-preservation was literally the first law of survival. Sometimes you had to choose between yourself and others.
How does it show up? Always talking about themselves. Making everything about them. Canceling on others for minor conveniences. Using “boundaries” as an excuse for inconsideration.
How do we handle it?
- Be clear about expectations and needs
- Model empathetic behavior while maintaining boundaries
- Don’t enable their self-centeredness
- Highlight the mutual benefits of considering others
- Walk away if it continues to harm you with no change
Remember: There’s a difference between self-care and selfishness. Self-care maintains your ability to care for others. Selfishness ignores others entirely.
Shadow #8: Betrayal
Betrayal is breaking trust or loyalty, usually for personal gain.
Why does it exist? Sometimes betrayal secured personal advantages even at the risk of social exclusion.
How does it show up? Breaking promises. Sharing secrets. Choosing personal gain over loyalty. Acting against your interests after you trusted them.
How do we handle it?
- Address it calmly despite feeling betrayed
- Seek to understand their motives (fear, self-interest, lack of empathy?)
- Decide if rebuilding trust is possible or desirable
- Set firm boundaries to protect yourself going forward
- Avoid retaliation; it makes everything worse
- Forgive or distance, but don’t stay in limbo
Remember: Only people you trust can betray you. The pain comes from the gap between expectation and reality.
The Pattern Behind the Shadows
Notice the common themes:
Fear drives most shadows. Fear of scarcity, fear of loss, fear of not being enough, fear of being hurt. They’re all attempts at control. When people feel powerless, they often resort to shadow behaviors to regain some sense of control.
They served evolutionary purposes. These aren’t random character flaws; they’re ancient survival strategies misfiring in modern contexts. Understanding changes everything. When you see the fear and evolutionary logic behind someone’s behavior, you can respond with strategy instead of emotion.
The Universal Shadow Strategy
When dealing with any shadow behavior, remember this framework:
- Recognize the shadow without immediately judging it
- Understand the evolutionary fear or need driving it
- Respond strategically rather than emotionally
- Set boundaries to protect yourself
- Model the behavior you want to see
- Walk away if the behavior continues to harm you
The Most Important Insight
You have these shadows, too. Maybe not all of them, maybe not as intensely, but you have them.
The goal isn’t to eliminate shadows, it’s to understand them so they don’t control you. When you understand your own shadows, you become less reactive to others’. When you understand others’ shadows, you can respond with wisdom instead of emotion.
And sometimes, the most powerful response to someone’s shadow is to overwhelm them with the opposite quality. Meet stinginess with generosity. Meet bitterness with kindness. Meet condescension with humility. Not because they deserve it, but because you do. Because choosing to respond from your best self instead of your shadows is how you become the person you want to be.
We all have shadows. They’re part of being human. But you get to choose: will you be controlled by your shadows, or will you understand them well enough to respond differently?
Will you judge others for their shadows, or will you see the frightened human behind the behavior? The shadows will always be there. The question is: what will you do with them?
____________________
The Brain Prompt
Think about a recent situation where someone’s behavior really bothered you, maybe they were stingy, jealous, condescending, or selfish.
Now reframe it through the shadow lens:
- Which shadow were they displaying?
- What fear or evolutionary need might have been driving it?
- How did you respond? Did you react emotionally or respond strategically?
- If you could handle the same situation again, what would you do differently?
- Which of the eight shadows do you recognize in yourself? What fear drives it?
Remember: The goal isn’t to excuse bad behavior, but to understand it well enough to respond effectively.
For more content on behavior change, influence, and psychology, subscribe to Inner Propaganda.
Cheers,
Owen.
P.S. Are we connected on LinkedIn? Connect with me here.
